Dear Valentine’s Day,

I know that you must get tired of all the hate you get from us singletons, especially after you work so hard producing all of that chocolate and so-cheesy-it-makes-everyone-within-a-one-mile-radius-vom cards along with those sad stuffed bears that should really only be given to girls under the age of eight.  And some C- chick flick either starring Cameron Diaz or Katherine Heigl will also probably be coming out soon, thanks to you.  You are one hard-working faux-holiday.

I am writing this letter to you because I want to explain, on behalf of all embittered singletons that have the misfortune of still inhabiting earth during that dreaded arrival of February 14th, why you get such negativity from us.  True, some of us don’t really understand why we are alone.  (Not me though. I understand perfectly.)  We think we are decent people and deserve someone to love us.  In fact, we have seen people less-polite and less-funny and maybe even less-decent-looking than us have boyfriends/girlfriends.  So what gives?

A more common reason for us to hate you is because you remind us of something that doesn’t really need reminding.  V-Day isn’t exactly the most encouraging holiday for singletons.  It’s a holiday strictly for couples, not non-couples — if you see it that way.  And by that way I mean if you happen to not see yourself as someone who dearly loves, well, you.  V-Day could just be an excuse to blatantly love yourself even more… as in shopping.  Or a yummy treat.  Which sounds so good right now.  But what I mean is that couples are irritating on a normal day, okay.  Please don’t make out loudly in front of me.  What kind of manners are those?  Shoving your smug coupleness in my face?  That’s another thing. SMUG COUPLES.

I won’t go and say that I hate all couples, because that’s mean.  Some of my friends are couples.  (That’s their fault.)  But I won’t be lying when I say that all couples have a sort of smugness to them that is only magnified times a thousand on Valentine’s Day.  It’s like come Feb 14, a radiation forcefield is triggered on earth that only affects couples and their smugness, thus causing it to multiply to an even more annoying level.  Trust me, singletons, when I say that you are safest in the confines of your own house/room/an enclosed cave when that dreaded date comes, because every street/decent restaurant/mall/movie theater/Boomers will be infested with couples.  Arm yourself accordingly if you do dare to tread out, brave soldier.

Why, Valentine’s Day Gods, oh why must you kick us down when we have already replaced the mat (with our own bodies)? It’s not even that, sometimes.  You are a holiday that capitalizes on the idea that you must be with someone in order to feel worthy; to feel complete.  And that if you happen to be one of those who happen to be alone, you do not deserve to be acknowledged.  (But then again, us singles DO have Mardi Gras)(And St. Patty’s?  Am I stretching that one a little too far?)(and anytime you are in Vegas.)  Well, I am here to give a big FUCK YOU to that, Valentine’s Day!  I do not need my pretend boyfriend to give me overpriced chocolate hearts to have overpriced chocolate hearts.  I don’t need someone to give me roses to feel complete.  I do not need someone to give me a stupid Valentine’s Card written with someone else’s words and a bad illustration in order to feel loved and that I belong in this world.  I belong even without your nauseating red-and-pink-tinted twisted hierarchy of power, Valentine’s Day.

With that said.  I am still steering clear of the outside world on February the 14th.  And possibly have a nice tray of brownies to keep me company.